My Very Early Letter to Santa

VROOM VROOM… I’d love to be a hybrid. All muscle, no fat.

Like my car, a Toyota Camry that switches back and forth between battery power and fossil fuel… a mix of all the eco-goodness with only a wee tiny snippet of the deplorable. Nothing’s perfect, yes?

What I’m getting at here is that while I appreciate ALL of my wonderful, amazing positive points – far too many to count in a short blog post (“Larry, people are sick of hearing about how humble you are”) -, like Tevye in Fiddler On The Roof wishing to be a rich man, or the Barenaked Ladies wanting a Million dollars (really? a million? only? amateurs!)…

… I’d like to Super-Size myself and morph into a superhero in all areas of my personal humanity.

Let’s go for a different version of Super-Size…

This could be a major makeover…

Areas such as:

• physique-wise
• intelligence
• business/finance
• compassion
• philosophy
• lover
• fighter
• musician
• writer
• philanthropy
• teacher
• learner…

Obviously, I’ll need help here (no need to nod your head in agreement!)

But who do I know with the power to transform me?

Tony Robbins is booked until 2027, Angela Merkel and Jacinda Ardern are tied up fighting the COVID threat, Oprah charges too much, even the Google doesn’t know God’s cell number or postal code.

BRAINSTORM!

Maybe a carefully-worded begging letter to Santa would do the trick. This is his downtime so the time to ask is now…

Santa is mystically powerful (his sleigh runs on hybrid reindeer) and knows all about me, he even sees me when I’m sleeping and knows when I’m awake. This is Idea Sex in its finest form.

My fingers are crossed… let’s put this missive together:

Dear Great Omnipotent Father Claus:

.

Larry here… How are YOU? I am fine. How’s the Ms. and the People of Diminished Stature?

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you.

It’s long overdue but firstly… I’m sorry about the letter of complaint I sent you in January 1962 when you brought me a Casper the Friendly Ghost doll instead of the GI Joe action figure I specifically asked you for, while sitting on your lap in the Centre Mall in Hamilton. It was a child’s rash outburst that I’ve felt really badly for all of these years. I hope you’ve found it in your heart to forgive me and refrain from shifting me onto the NAUGHTY list.

Still, I’ve been a huge admirer of yours since… well… since, forever. Will Ferrell sends his best too!

You’ve brought joy and happiness to billions of us mere humans, and never once been found to have diddled with children, or swindled grocery money out of grandmas, or instigated a violent riot against any government (you weren’t involved in the Cabbage Patch caper, right?).

I know it’s early in the Christmas Wishlist year but I kinda need your help.

I’m just a simple, modest, super humble guy. During these viral days I’m trying my best to make myself into a better, stronger, and smarter version. Vitamin C and Viagra have only taken me so far.

I’ve been thinking about all the people out there that excel in realms and spheres whom I admire and look up to.

As a perfect example Santa, I am in awe and desirous of your generous spirit and jolly good mirth, but sorry to say, I don’t want your “bowlful-of-jelly” tummy. I want the very best of my heroes without their drawbacks, I have plenty of those already.

You probably need to get back to your late-winter nap, so this is the crux of my note. Here’s what I’d like you to send my way ASAP with many thanks Mr. Big…

In no specific order, I’d like a teaspoon or 2 of the supernatural pixie dust from each of the following:

• • the physical prowess, mental strength, and skills of Jesse Owens, Patrick Mahomes, Clara Hughes, and Wayne Gretzky
  • the writing chops of Stephen King, Aaron Sorkin, John Steinbeck, and Nora Ephron
  • the investing acumen of Warren Buffett, Peter Lynch and Catherine Wood
  • the compassion genes of Mahatma Ghandi, Terry Fox, Harriet Tubman, and my Mom
  • the intellectual capacity of Barack Obama, Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, and Yuval Noah Harari
  • the philanthropic know-how of Bill Gates, Melinda Gates, MacKenzie Scott, and Priscilla Chan
  • the oration skillset of Pete Buttigieg, Stephen Lewis, Winston Churchill, and Barack Obama
  • the balls of Elon Musk, Greta Thunberg, Steve Jobs, and the Chess girl from The Queen’s Gambit
  • the music magic of Tommy Emmanuel, Keith Urban, James Taylor, Carole King, Joni Mitchell, Harry Chapin, the Eagles, The Beach Boys

Thanks for helping me in my quest for perfection.

Oh… one last small thing… Do you think you can do something about this nasty virus so little kids don’t need to be nervous about going to school, or visiting their grandparents?

Is my list too much?

Well, just do the best you can and I’ll put whatever you can’t manage this year on next year’s list, OK? Delayed gratification is a virtue…

Mr. Claus… I think you’re the best… they should make you a Saint… too late?.. how about a movie? that too? for sure a bubblegum card… well deserved Big Guy!

Sincerely, your little friend, Larry

PS. Virginia O’Hanlon, as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, was surely right to look up to you.

Gone Bananas…

It’s a Super Twofer Sunday!

FLASHBACK x 2 …

… first to China 9 years ago in 2012 … and then a jump forward to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, 2019.

Ten years back I was contacted by my eldest brother Robert from Saskatoon about accompanying him and his wife on a tour through China.

Hmmmm, honestly, China hadn’t been on my “travel radar”. But… given the 15 year age gap between myself and my bro, my wife and I decided this was a great opportunity to spend quality time when chances for sharing time together might be limited as his age advanced.

It was a fabulous journey through China (the Terra Cotta Warriors… OMG!), but one morning, while sharing breakfast on a small cruise boat on the Yangtze River just downstream from the Three Gorges Dam, I was surprised when my brother showed no recollection of a cold that I had been sniffling, snorting, and coughing from over the past 2 days.

Nothing else unusual jumped out.

It was really a tiny thing but noticeable nonetheless. I was suspicious. I could hear a faint alarm bell ringing. Not normal.

OK, flash forward 7 years to June, 2019.

• 

  Me and my older brother Robert in China

• 

  My wife Maureen, brother Robert and his wife Lois in Zujiajiao, China

My brother now spends his days and nights in a Saskatoon care home in a hunched over position in a padded wheelchair, lacking spark, no vivacity, much less any ability to initiate a conversation.

It’s not certain, but he seems to recognize me and other family members as we chatter away at him in his tidy little room where all of his physical needs are looked after by attentive, friendly care staff.

He is a shell of the highly intelligent (PhD- Chemistry), sassy brother I have known all my life.

Yes, Alzheimer’s vapours have enveloped another soul, hungrily sucking up his humanity. In your life experience, you likely know someone(s) who has also been hijacked this way. The fire is out and only a few dim embers remain.

Having a parent travel this dementia road is tragic… having a sibling afflicted is surreal.

So, on June 9, 2019 I posted some song lyrics in a blog post here about my “lost” brother.

It’s called LET’S BAKE YOU A BANANA CAKE…

… you may think the title sounds irreverent, perhaps even disrespectful, but to my Monty Python-loving brother I once knew, I think he would laugh at the “dark, sick humour”.

For a long time, I’ve sweated and re-hashed music to accompany these lyrics over and over.

Then about 2 weeks ago, in one of those “aha” moments, the music muse unveiled a melody and chord structure that – at least for me – fit the subject of the song.

Good songs need to absorb and reflect the tone of the message in the lyrics. It’s called prosody… where all the elements of a song create a synergy towards one meaning or essence.

Below is a version I’ve recorded with my rudimentary grasp of recording techniques (and thin singing voice!) in my little home studio. The lyrics I wrote in 2019 follow afterwards…

Jade-shopping in China Bro-style

Let’s Bake You A Banana Cake

VERSE
I called my brother the other day
when he answered I knew he wasn’t there
his voice held up strong but it was clear
the same world we didn’t share
at least not anymore.

VERSE
It’s funny that you can hear a smile
though the sound travels a thousand miles
the words are a salad, they even sound sane
Do you think you can remember my name?
No, not anymore.

VERSE
Books linger hushed on your shelf
framed photos pretty your little room’s walls
blue summer skies and childhood smiles
are prairie breezes sharing your favourite waltz?
I don’t think so anymore

CHORUS


Maybe you’re Lennon’s Nowhere Man
so let’s bake you a banana cake
there’s a batter of sorts
all mixed up of course
And you don’t know what you’re missing

VERSE
So let’s chat lightly for a bit mon frère
I’ll ask the questions, to see if you’re there
You’re pretty cheery so does it really matter?
We’ve sipped some wine, skied some trails
but, perhaps, not anymore

BRIDGE
There’s a thief in the house
taken the marbles and flown
the halls echo empty where you, my brother, once roamed

CHORUS


Maybe you’re Lennon’s Nowhere Man
so let’s bake you a banana cake
there’s a batter of sorts
all mixed up of course
And you don’t know what you’re missing.

The Mirage of EXPECTATIONS!

W TH is that bright… light?

A few hours after I woke up this Brrrrr-isk February morning here in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, I was jump-up-and-down excited and surprised to see… SUNSHINE!

Big deal… right? Sounds like a normal day…

Well, it’s about expectations.

Moving to the Okanagan – a semi-arid desert – 30+ years ago, I cheerily envisioned this bucolic, dry, sunny, Arizona-North sort of existence.

In my imaginings, the thoughts of a mere 15 inches of annual rain/snow meant year-round sunshine and mild-by-Canadian-standards temperatures.

Well, I nailed it on those expectations… EXCEPT… for the part about … year-round sunshine!

I quickly discovered that little rain doesn’t automatically imply oodles of sunshine, and that clouds don’t HAVE to rain!

To be fair, it does mean exactly that in the summer months, but come October… the grey gloom settles in here like a set of blackout drapes in your bedroom. It’s 50 Shades of Grey-land.

Surprise… this scenario was not a part of my expectation. I hadn’t done my homework ahead of time. My expectation was shattered and I had to learn to adjust and accept.

Statistics fooled me just as we know they do in many areas of our intricate and convoluted world… “There are three types of lies — lies… damn lies… and statistics.”

Yes, my expectations based on weather statistics fooled me.

I really should know better given that I spent the last 10 years of my working career engaged in medical statistical analysis and reporting.

Expectations are closely bundled with HOPE and FEAR, and finally… and hopefully… GRATITUDE.

Expectations walk alongside and guide us throughout our lives… expectations of how we’ll do in school, what our love life will be like, how much money and how many consumer trappings will surround us, how our children will turn out with our perfect parenting skills(!).

Many of our expectations are based on realistic thinking and are justified. You study extremely hard for the Organic Chemistry exam and expect a good mark? That sounds realistic.

You bought 10 tickets for the lottery instead of the one you normally buy and expect your chances are 10 times better and that you’ll surely win a bundle? That sounds fanciful.

Or… the photo of the studly guy on your Tinder app looks appealing until… he enters the restaurant? Expectation crushed!

Think about it… when a woman becomes pregnant, we describe her condition as “EXPECTING”. The unknowns of parenthood are balanced with panic and exhilaration of the that which is to come. A world of expectation. Scary vs euphoric. Known vs unknown.

Many girls and boys, women and men grow up with the perfectly normal expectation of having children. If, for any number of reasons this doesn’t happen, then a series of mental accommodations has to happen to deal with the unexpected reality.

No More Cloudy Days – Eagles

Sitting by a foggy window
Staring at the pouring rain
Falling down like lonely teardrops
Memories of love in vain
These cloudy days
Make you want to cry

Today, in line with my – unexpected – view of the world this past year, expectations are a blessing and a curse.

When it comes to my earlier outlook on the local weather, I was filled with the blessing of hope that winter would look much the same as summer in this Okanagan region ie. sunny, but with cooler temperatures. Expectation denied.

More realistically, if we had stayed in Yellowknife, or moved to Saskatchewan or Manitoba, a dreamy expectation of days filled with winter sunshine would have been fulfilled, accompanied by the burden of bone-chattering cold temperatures.

However, I reframed my thoughts after the fact and came around to an appreciation of the curse of grey days positively counter-balanced with the blessing of milder temperatures (by Canadian standards). GRATITUDE…

I guess what I’m saying here is that our heads are often filled with rosy expectations… expectations of how future days, events, our lives… will unfold.

It’s magical thinking perhaps. (In my case I was convinced I’d be a millionaire and retired by the age of 35… Muddled thinking… HA!!)

Reality shows us that life usually has a way of giving us something(s) we desire, but not always everything.

I love and appreciate sunlight in far greater measure today than I did years ago.

My expectation has changed and I don’t take something as simple as sunshine for granted. No more cloudy days…

The mirages in our heads can slam us face-down into the dirt or lift us upwards into the clouds… it’s all based on our expectations.

Guys v. Dolls – I’m Short Term Wrong But Long Term Right?

A painful truth I’ve discovered in my 3 score plus 3 years is that if I should prognosticate on almost anything, you had better run in the other direction, because I’m most likely incorrect.

Like…… if I say, “Buy shares in GAMESTOP, you can’t lose…” (I would never do that!), or “Tampa Bay is a sure thing in the Super Bowl” (although you should never ever bet against Tom Brady)… odds are pretty high that the opposite will come true.

Today is no different, except, in this case, I believe I’ll be proven correct in the longer term.

So what the hell am I talking about?

Well, 6+ years ago (can you remember that far back before Trump was anything more than a reality show oddity instead of a real world NUT CASE?) I confidently predicted that women would soon rule the world –

The BOSS with Balls!

In that post, I laid out my case with these points :

Here’s some reasons why women WILL dominate in years to come:

1. Women don’t waste time playing video games and watching porn. Girls just grow up and get on with life…well, and obsess over shoes but that’s a minor pastime on the way to the corner office.
2. Women excel at communication and conciliation, whereas mens’ authoritarian style of coercion is outdated. Women are attuned to social dynamics and know the benefits of collaboration vs. competition.
3. Women are getting educated and at higher levels. In just about every field, women are either in the lead or are charging hard to take the lead. It’s like China vs the U.S.. Get lazy, and complacent and watch the competition overtake you.
4. Women know how to balance career and family. Both career and social worlds can thrive simultaneously. Men (like myself) can’t pull off multi-tasking unless beer and a TV remote are involved.
5. Men persist in thinking they can rise through manual labour. The world has changed and many men refuse to believe or acknowledge it. If men don’t excel and women do, don’t blame women. Wake up and smell that coffee boys!
6. Womens’ self-definition is changing. Women don’t feel the need to acquiesce to men to sooth their egos. If a job needs doing, women will just jump in and do it. Damsels in distress are so yesterday.
7. Allowing women to vote, fight wars, run businesses, and play sports, levels the field. Women may never be able to build the overall physical strength of a man, but can equal or better him in every other facet of life if they choose to.
8. Men want to get rich quick but don’t want to work or wait for it. Men are too impatient and unwilling to take the longer, slower route to a better solution. Too many impetuous mistakes are made by wanting everything now.

I was taken to task at the time by a couple of comment’ers for “trying too hard to submit yourself to some imaginary dominatrix”… or… “I wish a strong woman would castrate me. preferably in a ritualistic setting with her sisters there to assist”.

Comments like those assure me that my thinking was running along the right track, even if not 100% correct.

Misogynists aside… I’m not pandering or even man-hating.

So, where’s the hold-up? As the past 4 years and the present are showing us, the threatened world view of old, white men (and not all are OLD) is fighting back against the inevitable tide; the only thing I truly missed 6 years ago was the time frame in which the process of female ascendancy would take place. It’s a process that takes years.

I’m observing an unmistakable trend with a few bumps along the road, not unlike the uneven rise of wealth in the poorer countries of the globe. The ride can be rough but the vista ahead is clear.

We can look at exceptions to try to turn the tables, but the Julie Payette’s and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s of the world are minor aberrations alongside the sea of angry dudes who refuse to accept the direction of the wind and turn their sails towards cooperation instead of confrontation.

Look at the forest, not at the trees, and the view becomes more evident.

• In Canada, Parliamentary seats are held by 29% women now compared to 23% in 2010 (Inter-Parliamentary Union).

• Worldwide, democratic assembly seats are held by 25.2% women today vs 19.2% in 2010. (World Bank)

• In the US, Congress and Senate chairs are made up of 27% women vs 17% in 2010 (NPR).

So, if I look back again in 6 more years, will my crystal ball win any prizes? Women rule?

Hmmm… given my track record, perhaps not… but I’m not giving up…

… I’m stubborn… I still think I’m short term wrong, but long term right!