VROOM VROOM… I’d love to be a hybrid. All muscle, no fat.

Like my car, a Toyota Camry that switches back and forth between battery power and fossil fuel… a mix of all the eco-goodness with only a wee tiny snippet of the deplorable. Nothing’s perfect, yes?

What I’m getting at here is that while I appreciate ALL of my wonderful, amazing positive points – far too many to count in a short blog post (“Larry, people are sick of hearing about how humble you are”) -, like Tevye in Fiddler On The Roof wishing to be a rich man, or the Barenaked Ladies wanting a Million dollars (really? a million? only? amateurs!)…

… I’d like to Super-Size myself and morph into a superhero in all areas of my personal humanity.

Let’s go for a different version of Super-Size…

This could be a major makeover…

Areas such as:

  • physique-wise
  • intelligence
  • business/finance
  • compassion
  • philosophy
  • lover
  • fighter
  • musician
  • writer
  • philanthropy
  • teacher
  • learner…

Obviously, I’ll need help here (no need to nod your head in agreement!)

But who do I know with the power to transform me?

Tony Robbins is booked until 2027, Angela Merkel and Jacinda Ardern are tied up fighting the COVID threat, Oprah charges too much, even the Google doesn’t know God’s cell number or postal code.

BRAINSTORM!

Maybe a carefully-worded begging letter to Santa would do the trick. This is his downtime so the time to ask is now…

Santa is mystically powerful (his sleigh runs on hybrid reindeer) and knows all about me, he even sees me when I’m sleeping and knows when I’m awake. This is Idea Sex in its finest form.

My fingers are crossed… let’s put this missive together:

Dear Great Omnipotent Father Claus:

.

Larry here… How are YOU? I am fine. How’s the Ms. and the People of Diminished Stature?

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you.

It’s long overdue but firstly… I’m sorry about the letter of complaint I sent you in January 1962 when you brought me a Casper the Friendly Ghost doll instead of the GI Joe action figure I specifically asked you for, while sitting on your lap in the Centre Mall in Hamilton. It was a child’s rash outburst that I’ve felt really badly for all of these years. I hope you’ve found it in your heart to forgive me and refrain from shifting me onto the NAUGHTY list.

Still, I’ve been a huge admirer of yours since… well… since, forever. Will Ferrell sends his best too!

You’ve brought joy and happiness to billions of us mere humans, and never once been found to have diddled with children, or swindled grocery money out of grandmas, or instigated a violent riot against any government (you weren’t involved in the Cabbage Patch caper, right?).

I know it’s early in the Christmas Wishlist year but I kinda need your help.

I’m just a simple, modest, super humble guy. During these viral days I’m trying my best to make myself into a better, stronger, and smarter version. Vitamin C and Viagra have only taken me so far.

I’ve been thinking about all the people out there that excel in realms and spheres whom I admire and look up to.

As a perfect example Santa, I am in awe and desirous of your generous spirit and jolly good mirth, but sorry to say, I don’t want your “bowlful-of-jelly” tummy. I want the very best of my heroes without their drawbacks, I have plenty of those already.

You probably need to get back to your late-winter nap, so this is the crux of my note. Here’s what I’d like you to send my way ASAP with many thanks Mr. Big…

In no specific order, I’d like a teaspoon or 2 of the supernatural pixie dust from each of the following:

    • the physical prowess, mental strength, and skills of Jesse Owens, Patrick Mahomes, Clara Hughes, and Wayne Gretzky
    • the writing chops of Stephen King, Aaron Sorkin, John Steinbeck, and Nora Ephron
    • the investing acumen of Warren Buffett, Peter Lynch and Catherine Wood
    • the compassion genes of Mahatma Ghandi, Terry Fox, Harriet Tubman, and my Mom
    • the intellectual capacity of Barack Obama, Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, and Yuval Noah Harari
    • the philanthropic know-how of Bill Gates, Melinda Gates, MacKenzie Scott, and Priscilla Chan
    • the oration skillset of Pete Buttigieg, Stephen Lewis, Winston Churchill, and Barack Obama
    • the balls of Elon Musk, Greta Thunberg, Steve Jobs, and the Chess girl from The Queen’s Gambit
    • the music magic of Tommy Emmanuel, Keith Urban, James Taylor, Carole King, Joni Mitchell, Harry Chapin, the Eagles, The Beach Boys

Thanks for helping me in my quest for perfection.

Oh… one last small thing… Do you think you can do something about this nasty virus so little kids don’t need to be nervous about going to school, or visiting their grandparents?

Is my list too much?

Well, just do the best you can and I’ll put whatever you can’t manage this year on next year’s list, OK? Delayed gratification is a virtue…

Mr. Claus… I think you’re the best… they should make you a Saint… too late?.. how about a movie? that too? for sure a bubblegum card… well deserved Big Guy!

Sincerely, your little friend, Larry

PS. Virginia O’Hanlon, as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, was surely right to look up to you.