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I’m too sexy for my car…

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Nope, it’s not this Man On The Fringe that’s too sexy for anything. Not a chance

However, my good pal (and regular guest blogger) Jim Ferguson was and is filled with sex appeal. He oozes sensuality from his pores… scratch your screen and smell the heady musk…

As you read this post, I may be running my grand ole a** through the streets of downtown Vancouver with thousands of other crazies, so this is a perfect time to have Jim take the reins and tell you another of his fun stories.

Thanks for jumpin’ in here James… it’s over to you:

………………..

Larry has once again asked yours truly to provide some MOTF blog fodder and so I will do my best to live up to the fine standard Sir Lawrence has set (there is a standard…right? 😊).

I was listening to the radio recently and Right Said Fred’s song “I’m too sexy for my…” played. I’m sure you’ve all heard this catchy tune.

Well, one of the phrases in the song goes like this: “I’m too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far”, and on it goes.

Well…I started to ponder whether I am, indeed, too sexy for my car and I realized that I have two vehicles (“I’m too sexy for my vehicle” just doesn’t do it for me…how about you?).

Not only do I have two vehicles BUT I have owned 27 vehicles in my adult life, and I am here to tell you that I am too sexy for most of them. Just ask Larry. He will tell you I am about as sexy a guy as you’ll ever meet. Right Larry?…..Larry?…..Larry?

Okay… that’s up for debate but allow me to make my case here and you can determine if I am too sexy for the following samples of cars from my collection over the years. You be the judge.

I married my wife Deborah in October 1979.

She had a 1969 two-toned VW bug. It was awesome and some even went so far to speculate that I had married Deb for her car. NOT SO! 😊

It was a two-toned, stick shift, brown VW bug with a Porsche gear shift knob. It was fantastic and honestly, I must say I was NOT too sexy for that car. That car was fun to drive, and I wish we still had it today as it would be worth a nice tidy sum if it were still in decent shape.

We saw the proverbial writing on the wall as mechanical issues reared their ugly heads. So, we sold the bug to a friend who wanted to fix it up and we slid on into a 1971 VW Super Beetle.

What a letdown that was.

It was bright orange and flashy, we had a new engine installed, but, it was rather blah and uninspiring.

I was definitely a sexier beast than the Super Beetle (now… maybe if it had come with John, Paul, George, and Ringo…different story… 😊).

Let’s move on to a few others from my car collection that I know I am too sexy for.

How about our brown, blah VW rabbit?

It had four wheels and drove and that was about it. Having a root canal was more fun than driving the Rabbit! We had this car while at university and it was a good utilitarian car for college students. It was great on gas BUT that still does not make it sexier than me!

We did own a Ford LTD. Can you say, “boat anchor”. We bought it off my folks in Nova Scotia for $500.00 and drove it for a year before it tanked on us.

Now let’s get those damn minivans out of the way…right here and now!

Move them to the side of the plate with the Brussel Sprouts. No way I lose out to a minivan. I owned two of them. They are great when you have kids. There is no denying that! BUT they are still minivans!

I owned a stick shift Dodge Caravan and an automatic Plymouth Voyager. I am almost too embarrassed to be even having this discussion. I feel like I should apologize to each reader individually. There simply is no way I lose out to a couple of minivans. I am like Fabio compared to minivans! Or a cross between Fabio and Keanu Reaves…right!

Better than a minivan, yes?

Now, during our college days, we did buy a 1967 Dodge Dart on its last legs and drove it for a year or so even with a crappy radiator and a cracked manifold.

I can’t compete with a ’67 Dart (despite the crappy radiator and cracked manifold and all). Uncle! Uncle! I give up! The Dart was a sexy beast and fun to drive. I humbly submit to the Dart.

Oh! And when I was in grad school in North Carolina in the late 1980s, I briefly owned a…wait for it………wait for it………be patient and wait for it……….a YUGO!!!

Yes indeed! I was the proud owner of a Yugo. I bought it second hand, but it was essentially new and it had less than a thousand miles on it. It was a sexy little car and fun to drive.

Imagine Deb and me and three kids crammed into that tiny car zipping all over Greensboro, NC! I submit to the Yugo. It was sexier than me by a long shot. I bet you didn’t see that coming right!!!

Here’s a “gimme” for you.

I owned a 1997 Mazda Miata 5-speed stick.

What a fun ride that was. In the summer after a busy/stressful day at work Deb and I would head out onto the country roads of Oregon with the top down at high speeds for what we termed “Miata therapy”. It was always fun and relaxing and a sweet ride.

Not too much fun in the winter or when there was a lot of rain, yet, it was definitely a smidge more sexy than I.

As you’ll see in the list below, I also had a Kawasaki 650 motorcycle for a couple of years. I had similar exhilaration on the motorcycle as experienced in the Miata with the top down.

I can’t end this jaunt down memory lane without an honourable mention for my 1997 Ford Expedition. I bought it in 2001. When we moved back to Nome, Alaska in 2002, I made sure to ship the Expedition to Nome and man ‘o man am I glad I did.

I got in and out of some crazy remote areas for hunting and fishing in the Expedition. It opened doors to access areas a normal vehicle could not reach. The Expedition was definitely a sexier beast than I.

Well…that’s all I have for you this time. Definitely some lighter fare than my usual headier blog posts.

I would be remiss if I did not give you the full list of my vehicles owned since 1979 (as best I can recall).

You be the judge. I am feeling the love from all of you and know that you’ll agree that other than a few outliers…

I am way too sexy for most of these vehicles:

  • 1969 VW Beetle
  • 1974 Ford LTD
  • 1973 Super Beetle
  • late ‘70s VW Rabbit
  • 1967 Dodge Dart
  • 1971 Pontiac Sunbird
  • 1980 Dodge Caravan
  • early ‘80s Kawasaki 650
  • 1985 Nissan Sentra
  • 1988 Yugo
  • 1986 Nissan Sentra
  • 1971 Plymouth Volare
  • 1992 Dodge Dakota
  • 1994 Plymouth Voyager
  • 1989 Pontiac
  • 1981 Chevrolet Cavalier wagon
  • Chevrolet S-10
  • 1997 Ford Expedition
  • 2004 Honda Civic
  • 2008 Scion
  • 1997 Mazda Miata
  • 1996 Ford Ranger
  • Toyota Tacoma x 2
  • Subaru Outback Sport
  • Toyota Prius
  • 2006 Dodge Dakota
  • 2007 Lexus RX350

What vehicles are on your list? Anything worthy of a mention? Feel free to add your favourite(s) in the comment section.

Peace,

Jim

Is this man too sexy?

Cool School

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Did you see Steven Spielberg’s version of West Side Story this year? It was cool.

So was the song COOL in the movie… the one below is from the original 1961 screenplay…

Yup, finger-snapping cool.

I really really wanted to be cool in the 1960’s. Movies were Cool School.

Saturday 50¢ cent matinees at the Palace or Capitol Theatre in Hamilton, Ontario were MY Cool School.

The 1967 film Bonnie and Clyde enthralled me. Best opening credits ever and an explosive, emotional killer of a final scene.

I wanted to grow up to be Clyde Barrow… or Bonnie Parker… didn’t matter that she was a woman, she was young and sexy and fun. She made lipstick seem sensuous and pornographic.

They were both cool.

Actually, I think I really wanted to be Warren Beatty playing Clyde because he was just as young as Faye Dunaway (Bonnie) but even more sexy and more fun, plus he chopped some toes off in prison just so he didn’t have to do chain gang duty… is anything more sexy or fun than chopping off your toes to get a week off work? So much more cool than COVID.

And, have you ever seen Beatty’s smile? Who wouldn’t want to be him?

He was cool.

And if I couldn’t be Warren Beatty playing Clyde or Faye Dunaway playing Bonnie, then I’d have settled for Steve McQueen as a detective in Bullitt.

McQueen was so stoic and unemotional (in the movie and in real life). Stoic is cool.

More importantly, he drove a screaming fast 1968 Ford Mustang 390 GT 2+2 Fastback that could fly over San Francisco hills like it was a jet setting off into California’s skies before landing with a big crash-bang on the asphalt. (He drove that Mustang like he rode the motorcycle in The Great Escape).

He was so cool.

Wait? Maybe it was actually Paul Newman as Butch Cassidy or Robert Redford as the Sundance Kid that I wanted to be… they both had blue eyes and deadly smiles.

Butch could kick other big guys in the balls and Sundance could 6-shooter 10 men dead in 5 seconds like a Tesla hits 60 miles per hour in 5 seconds.

Oh man, they were cool.

Interior of Hamilton’s Capitol Theatre where I spent many childhood matinee hours

Flash forward 50 years…

In today’s 10 screen Multiplex movie world, I’d suppose I’d gobble my popcorn and dream of being sexily sardonic Ryan Reynolds playing Deadpool… he is today’s COOL. Hi Blake Honey, I’m home. Good Twitter comeback at me today!

Alas, my dreams of being cool like all these actors… or for that matter, my other dream of becoming a rock star like Elton John never happened. If I ever had any chances… well… they slipped through my fingers like sand in an egg-timer.

Here I sit at this point in life – broken-hearted and broken-bodied *Boo-Hoo*– and I’ve accepted my Cool School dreams will never be actualized. Dreams CAN be enough.

But isn’t West Side Story’s Tony (Ansel Elgort) pretty cool?

Wandering Wonderings

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Then sweet music sounded on the air, and the loud tones were hushed, as in wondering silence the Fairies waited what should come.”  Louisa May Alcott

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few wonderings today… not Pet Peeves this time, just Wandering Wonderings, little curiosities and things that confuse me…

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Do you often find yourself questioning in your mind like a child who incessantly asks, WHY?

There may be 7 famous Wonders of the World, but you and I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. Our planet is filled with countless wonders that call out for an answer, a solution to the why, to the how.

And thankfully in the these last 15 years or so we have a tsunami of information at our fingertips with the likes of GOOGLE and Wikipedia. Love ’em or hate ’em, they give us instant answers to our whys that help make us wise.

Here are a few of my recent wandering wonderings… I’m sure you could easily add a dozen yourself:

  • Why does our education system allow, even encourage people to attend school for more than a decade without imparting a strong sense of reading, thinking, and discerning truth from fiction; to understand good quality research and evidence vs flimsy, poorly laid out analysis, or worse, opinion?
  • After watching Jeopardy faithfully for how many years, why am I still only able to answer less than 50% of the “ANSWERS” correctly? Surely 60 questions and answers passing through my brain daily should leave me an expert in essentially every area of knowledge, and yet?? Do I need to order a new Brain Plug from Amazon to prevent the drain?
  • After writing this blog for almost 10 years now without a cent of salary, no pennies of payment, no euros of royalty, no “exposure dollars” (as in for FREE), what bizarre mindset spurs me to continue to do this? Or for you my friends, to read this? Are we all part of a mass hypnosis?
  • How will this planet find a solution to the nuclear blackmail that allows a despot to run roughshod over an invented enemy because he has a back pocket full of nukes to raze the globe over 10 times? Humanity needs to nose out a firm and long-term solution to unhinged brutality, or “hegemony by tyrant” will control this orb forever. Could this be our “meaning of life” moment?
  • Why do some folks prioritize and respond to a text message in the middle of a conversation, or sitting for a meal in a group? How do you say BOOR?
  • Why was I taught a good deal of European, Asian, and North American history and culture in my school days and yet so little about Africa and South America? I am shockingly ignorant on these countries, their history, languages and culture. It’s like whole continents never existed…
  • In today’s world, why is OK that a woman could call handsome men up on stage and run her hands lasciviously over their bodies to applause. If I were to do something similar to women I’d be in a cell at Riker’s Island before I can say OSCAR. I’m totally in favour of the #MeToo movement, but I also subscribe to equality and fairness extended to all gender categories. Just wonderin’…
  • When we know that certain foods and makeups etc contain known carcinogens, why do we allow their sale? Don’t answer… might it have something to do with corporate profit and government revenues?
  • Why do some men do a hair combover with the expectation that no one will notice the baldness that lies beneath? You can fool some of the people some of the time…
  • Why do all team sports protect and heavily penalize against fisticuffs (forget the boxing ring) except hockey where organizers actively stir the bloodlust of the beer-infused spectator? Will Smith has been banned from Oscar for 10 years for a slap… in hockey they just give you a 5 minute timeout for giving the other guy a concussion.
  • What loving God would make sugar and bacon taste so good when they’re obviously the Devil’s food choices? Why doesn’t kale have the same “addictive” qualities?

I’ve been wanderin’ early and late
From New York City to the Golden Gate
And it don’t look like
I’ll ever stop my wanderin’… James Taylor

Reflections on Narsicim, er… Narciscim, arrgh… Narcissism

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One of the best, the worst, or the most beautiful (genetic) gifts you can be given is the “N” word… no, not that one… another “N” word…

Narcissus(ism).

Alas, one word, Narcissus, but here I’ll show you three different outcomes, saving the best for last.

Two Beauty’s and a Beast... or is it The Good, The Bad and the Non-Ugly *why do you make these stretches Larry?*

THE BEST (A Beauty): I want, and generally possess, the gift of spelling acumen that allows me to spell most of the hardest words commonly used in English.

Thank you Mom and Dad for this hereditary spelling endowment…. with little effort, I can spell almost anything… EXCEPT…

NARCISSISM (you know I used spell-check to get this, right?).

Where the heck do I place the “C”s and “S”s and how many in which spot. I get tied up in knots.

And truthfully, I couldn’t hold a smoking candle to those sharp-as-Japanese-Miyaba-knives 10-15 year-olds in the Scripps Spelling Bee that I watch with nerdish fascination as they conduct full autopsies on words I’ve never heard and never used in conversation.

Wunderkinder aside, belief and admiration of this trait, this ability in myself, likely qualifies me for the Narcissist’s Hall of Fame; it’s akin to grinning at my reflection in the Oxford Dictionary.

THE WORST (The Beast): What I don’t want but have already acknowledged I am a possessor of… is the trait of narcissism. Doesn’t writing a blog alone automatically qualify one for nomination in the Best Narcissist category at the Oscars? Slap me now Will (What? too soon?!)

The best and the worst forms of narcissism are truly 1st world issues… nobody huddled in Syria, Ukraine, or Sudan gives a flying sh*t about whether they can spell certain words, or if they hold an excessive interest in themselves.

You can’t really struggle for your daily existence and simultaneously admire your visage in the river.

Given the great difficult patch we’re in on this planet – aren’t Global warming, MAGA, and COVID enough trauma for one decade, do we need an unnecessary war? – isn’t something beautiful a soothing salve no matter where or when you live?

Summerland’s first 2022 Narcissi …….. Photo: Maureen Green

MOST BEAUTIFUL (A 2nd Beauty): yes, the national flower of Wales… I say Daffodil, you say Narcissus. Whichever word you use, they are some of the most lovely, regal flowers that symbolize spring for me more than a chirpy robin or even a flamboyant tulip.

Each year, the first daffodil blooms usher in my eldest daughter’s birthday, portend of longer and longer daylight days, and herald the shedding of winter parkas and mitts as they open their amiable faces with an array of delicate petals and mixture of colours.

Contrary to Meg Ryan’s assertion in You’ve Got Mail about daisies: “They’re so friendly. Don’t you think daisies are the friendliest flower?”- NO Meg, as much as I love you, Narcissi (OMG, another spelling when pluralized) are truly the friendliest flower.

But back to the kids… in 2019, 8 kids, for the first time in 92 years, co-shared the Scripps Spelling Bee trophy (and $50,000 each), after exhausting all the words given in 20 rounds without error.

It’s really enough to knock the stuffing out of any aspiring Narcisist, Narsicisst, oh bloody hell… Daffodil!