So I had just finished skinny dipping at my local public swimming pool.
There were maybe a half dozen others – also uncovered– doing exactly the same… breast stroke, freestyle, backstroke… all the swim strokes… Laps done.
I pulled myself from the warm water up onto the pool deck, grabbed my towel and dried myself a bit, and then demurely slipped back into my covering… pulling one strap over one ear, then slowly sliding the other strap into place, ensuring both cheeks were fully covered… black, sleek and elegant.
Modesty restored. Ah, that’s better… my face mask firmly and securely in place.
And I realized as I trundled cautiously across the grey, slippery tiles back to the changeroom, that I was “enjoying” a sensation such as women have been having for ages.

My next thought – as a capitalistic, investing kinda guy – I pondered as to why Victoria’s Secret and Maidenform and Chantelle and Dolce and Gabbana and Playtex, hadn’t jumped enthusiastically onto this bandwagon and expanded their potential audience.
For 2 viral years now they’ve merely expended valuable time and left a bazillion dollars unclaimed.
Sure, there is some semblance of “style” in masks out there. But real function and “runway”-worthy fashion is sadly lacking.
What a foolish oversight I said to myself as my heaving cheeks blushed lightly beneath my pleated, yet masculine mask.
Let’s think about this for a minute.
A product with two straps that wrap around a body part to securely contain and accentuate other body parts and also perform a decorative and yes, often sexy role, simultaneously?
BRAS!
Women spend countless dollars/pounds/euros etc on every form and format of brassiere throughout their lives.
Whole stores line our malls and departments-within-department-stores selling one product to one half of the population.
Stretching the product line into face masks is a ridiculously simple line extension. As my Brit friends would say: It’s brilliant!
Sexy push-up bras, strapless bras, full-figure support bras, sports bras, racerback bras, lacy bras, bralets?
All of these can be reconfigured to the facial market for women, men, and tweens, adolescents and teenagers alike. Matchee matchee bralet facelet!
And where the bra market begins with training bras for the young tween, face masks can even be sold aplenty to the beginner baby and toddler training-mask market.
COVID has broadened the selling-floor and scope to cover every living adult and child across the globe.

There are countless “idea sex” directions this escapade can take, but today I’ll pass on just 8 helpful little ideas I’d suggest for the BIGGEES in undergarment wear to unveil in their spring catalogues’ Face Mask lineup:
- Plunging noselines for office parties and dramatic red-carpet events… the J-Lo line.
- UnderArmor and Nike padded masks to enhance facial musculature of those in gyms and Cross-Fit Hot Boxes… the Schwartznegger line.
- Push-up masks for the older crowd (like me) with slumping cheeks and burgeoning jowls… the Vintage Betty White/George Burns line.
- HIIT training masks with face-hugging support to keep facial-jiggling under control… the Pamela Anderson Control line
- Bikini-style masks for beach and travel experiences… an upper for the nose area with a separate bottom for the mouth… trés chic!… the Pamela Anderson Out-of-Control line.
- Back or front fastening masks for a bit of variety, and male “unhooking” challenges when moving in for that first kiss… the Notebook line.
- Pullover masks for athletic events… the Usain Bolt/Simone Biles line.
- Uplift masks… Similar to the elders’ push-up mask (#3 above), a younger version for those looking for a sexy Nordic uplift to cheeks… the Liv Ullman/Daniel Craig line.
I’m back from the pool now. And what feels better when I return home than to slip off those spaghetti straps digging in behind my ears… ah, to let my cheeks settle and relax and breathe once more…
OK… I’m ready to receive royalty cheques and become a MASK MILLIONAIRE!
More good news. I’ve made my functional purchase and won’t be seen “skinny dipping” again anytime soon. You’re welcome!
