I know you want The Straight Goods from me…you deserve nothing less. So here goes:

Frankly…as a man, there is probably nothing more satisfying than to hear the sound of a woman moan (perhaps for a woman it’s the sound of a baby’s coo?-I tell you, we’re from different planets!!). It’s primal, and its ego building; what could make a fella feel more satisfied than to think that his prowess can have such a profound effect on another person.

But in this case, a woman moaning is nothing to tell all the boys about in the locker room (and just for the record, I don’t think many boys really do babble about these things anyway). I’m talking about getting sick…you know, colds, flus and other things that make us feel crappy and more miserable than the day we move our clocks forward an hour.

(Please put some cyanide in the cup and let’s get it over with)

Just for comparison purposes, let’s review the “sick” differences in the sexes, shall we? These are the afflictions that prey upon women either in similar numbers or in greater predominance than men:

  • Cold
  • Flu
  • Migraine Headaches
  • Breast Cancer
  • Uterine Cancer
  • Gallstones
  • Bladder Infections
  • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
  • Multiple Sclerosis
  • Rheumatoid Arthritis
  • Osteoporosis
  • Anxiety Disorders

And now, the list for Men:

  • Cold
  • Flu
  • Prostate Cancer
  • Cirrhosis
  • Death

Notice the length of these lists and the nasty final one for men? Yes, the woman’s list IS longer.  But the final indignity to men is that we die younger despite not being as frequently sick.

In a British study of 1000 men and 1000 women they found that:

  • Men pull an average of 140 sick days over their working life, while women call in sick 189 times.
  • 21 per cent of men and 26 per cent of women have faked an illness to take a day off work (I think this explains why Meg Ryan was so good at faking ecstasy in the movie When Harry Met Sally…more practice!)
  • 46 per cent of men and 62 per cent of women have been to the doctor in the last year.
  • In both Canada and the U.S. there is about a 4.5 year spread in life expectancy between men and women, favouring women.
Film still from the famous restaurant scene

(She can fake a lot better than he can!)

Now I MAY be exaggerating in the lists above a TINY bit for effect but it seems patently clear that if a God existed- especially if God was a Man this situation just wouldn’t be allowed to exist. But just for a moment, let’s assume that God has made this situation. Why would he/she set up a lifetime of  suffering for women – I can hear you saying, well God created MAN, and what could cause more suffering for women than this! – while giving men a pass on disease, sickness and ailments, only to strike them down unannounced in their prime? Given a choice, neither situation seems very fair.

I want to live longer…women want to be sick less…TRUE?

Granted, men do smoke more (although women are working damned hard to catch up) and they do stupid things like walk across Niagara Falls on high wires and jump over buses on motorcycles. This accounts for a certain inequality in age of death between the sexes, but doesn’t really adjust for the full difference.

Most would agree that men may not get sick as often as women but we make up for a lack of quantity of sickness with a quality of whining and moaning and exaggeration.

A woman gets a cold, she says, “Oh, I’ve just got the sniffles“. A man gets a cold and cries out, “I have pneumonia and I’m dying“.  If it’s a headache, the woman says, “Give me a couple of tylenol and I’ll be fine“…us manly types say “I think I have a migraine and it may even be a brain tumour“. When I get a cold, I put on my old Hamilton Tiger Cat shirt and ask for at least 2 extra couch days –“..more chicken soup and can you fluff my pillow again please”.

A toe tag on a toe of a dead body

Which would you prefer…a cold…OR this?

Knowing all of the info above, leads us to some obvious answers to what ails women and what kills men. It has to do with the “whine factor”. To even out the mortality charts between men and women I propose that women take up the grouse and grumble and wimp out more like their manly counterparts. This will surely knock a year or two off the female life expectancy advantage.

For my part, I don’t have the greatest longevity genes but to extend my life I’m going to try to stop whining and babying myself when I get sick. And I hope my relatives and friends will look at me suffering and just say, “Oh come on, WOMAN UP!”