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I’m Dying To Get Sick Like A Woman

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I know you want The Straight Goods from me…you deserve nothing less. So here goes:

Frankly…as a man, there is probably nothing more satisfying than to hear the sound of a woman moan (perhaps for a woman it’s the sound of a baby’s coo?-I tell you, we’re from different planets!!). It’s primal, and its ego building; what could make a fella feel more satisfied than to think that his prowess can have such a profound effect on another person.

But in this case, a woman moaning is nothing to tell all the boys about in the locker room (and just for the record, I don’t think many boys really do babble about these things anyway). I’m talking about getting sick…you know, colds, flus and other things that make us feel crappy and more miserable than the day we move our clocks forward an hour.

(Please put some cyanide in the cup and let’s get it over with)

Just for comparison purposes, let’s review the “sick” differences in the sexes, shall we? These are the afflictions that prey upon women either in similar numbers or in greater predominance than men:

  • Cold
  • Flu
  • Migraine Headaches
  • Breast Cancer
  • Uterine Cancer
  • Gallstones
  • Bladder Infections
  • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
  • Multiple Sclerosis
  • Rheumatoid Arthritis
  • Osteoporosis
  • Anxiety Disorders

And now, the list for Men:

  • Cold
  • Flu
  • Prostate Cancer
  • Cirrhosis
  • Death

Notice the length of these lists and the nasty final one for men? Yes, the woman’s list IS longer.  But the final indignity to men is that we die younger despite not being as frequently sick.

In a British study of 1000 men and 1000 women they found that:

  • Men pull an average of 140 sick days over their working life, while women call in sick 189 times.
  • 21 per cent of men and 26 per cent of women have faked an illness to take a day off work (I think this explains why Meg Ryan was so good at faking ecstasy in the movie When Harry Met Sally…more practice!)
  • 46 per cent of men and 62 per cent of women have been to the doctor in the last year.
  • In both Canada and the U.S. there is about a 4.5 year spread in life expectancy between men and women, favouring women.
Film still from the famous restaurant scene

(She can fake a lot better than he can!)

Now I MAY be exaggerating in the lists above a TINY bit for effect but it seems patently clear that if a God existed- especially if God was a Man this situation just wouldn’t be allowed to exist. But just for a moment, let’s assume that God has made this situation. Why would he/she set up a lifetime of  suffering for women – I can hear you saying, well God created MAN, and what could cause more suffering for women than this! – while giving men a pass on disease, sickness and ailments, only to strike them down unannounced in their prime? Given a choice, neither situation seems very fair.

I want to live longer…women want to be sick less…TRUE?

Granted, men do smoke more (although women are working damned hard to catch up) and they do stupid things like walk across Niagara Falls on high wires and jump over buses on motorcycles. This accounts for a certain inequality in age of death between the sexes, but doesn’t really adjust for the full difference.

Most would agree that men may not get sick as often as women but we make up for a lack of quantity of sickness with a quality of whining and moaning and exaggeration.

A woman gets a cold, she says, “Oh, I’ve just got the sniffles“. A man gets a cold and cries out, “I have pneumonia and I’m dying“.  If it’s a headache, the woman says, “Give me a couple of tylenol and I’ll be fine“…us manly types say “I think I have a migraine and it may even be a brain tumour“. When I get a cold, I put on my old Hamilton Tiger Cat shirt and ask for at least 2 extra couch days –“..more chicken soup and can you fluff my pillow again please”.

A toe tag on a toe of a dead body

Which would you prefer…a cold…OR this?

Knowing all of the info above, leads us to some obvious answers to what ails women and what kills men. It has to do with the “whine factor”. To even out the mortality charts between men and women I propose that women take up the grouse and grumble and wimp out more like their manly counterparts. This will surely knock a year or two off the female life expectancy advantage.

For my part, I don’t have the greatest longevity genes but to extend my life I’m going to try to stop whining and babying myself when I get sick. And I hope my relatives and friends will look at me suffering and just say, “Oh come on, WOMAN UP!”

Grow A Pair- Can You Man Up?

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“A man is at his youngest when he thinks he is a man, not yet realizing that his actions must show it.” 
―Mary Renault

MAN-BOYS!

NO, these aren’t my testicles I’m talking about here. But hey, maybe that will make a riveting blog at a later time!

Man-boys are usually 20- or 30-something male-types whose world stopped revolving and evolving at the dawn of their pubescent years.  If evolution is supposed to improve and strengthen our species, then I have to believe that some genes have gone rogue (just like Sarah Palin) and left a hole in the world where manhood once existed. Manhood, according the Online Free Dictionary  is a “composite of qualities, such as courage, determination, and vigour, often thought to be appropriate to a man”. I would add that accepting responsibility for the health and well-being of others is also part of manhood.

English: Sarah Palin speaking at a rally in El...

Another sign of rogue genes!

I won’t put on my rose-coloured glasses and pretend that historically, men have always been strong, resourceful, hard-working, supportive, etc etc. There are examples aplenty of men who abused and neglected their wives and children, and refused to take out the trash when a Tyrannosaurus stood outside the door; but since the information age has taken hold I see a sub-section of our male society that has made slothfulness and indolence an art form of magnificent dimensions.With the existence of Nintendos and X-Boxes and Game of Thrones and World of Warcraft, a new generation of young men are bravely going off to …COUCH WARFARE!

This cabal of young men who have never lived in an era where real war consumes the affairs of our country, are losing sight of responsibility and personal motivation beyond reaching a new high score in the latest version of the latest computer game.

“BEST day ever… I reached a new level!”

The 20th century in North America was marked by huge manhood-altering events such as 2 world wars and a major economic depression. Keeping a family fed and under a warm roof meant a lot of sacrifices and hard work for both men and women.

But then in the latter part of the century, we grew much more civilized and learned to live together better in most parts of the world. Junk food chains were built as huge empires and all was going along swimmingly. We also discovered ways to maintain a decent economy that never crashed to a devastating effect. Humankind improved its lot in so many ways such as medical care, education of all citizens, and food production that living grew easier and easier day-by-day for the majority.

BOOM … a generation of new baby boomer parents came along who wanted – or at least allowed – their progeny to keep the couches of the country warm. Further, to keep them entertained and happy – and perhaps out of the way –  they were provided with big-screen TV’s, music stereos of various formats…and computers… and gaming consoles… and smartphones.

The girl children took all of these marvellous technological gifts and threw them all away except for the smartphones, which they’ve welded to their bodies so that there can never be a separation from friends day or night.

The boy children kept it all and use it all simultaneously with manning a key position on the basement or living room sofa where they can also have easy access to the Pizza Pops and hot dogs provided conveniently nearby by their parents. From their central position, the young boys are growing into Man-Boys with healthy growths of unshaven facial hair and backwards baseball caps.

Occasionally these Man-Boys are seduced out into the world to interact with the fairer sex and some even manage to charm their way onto the couches of the young beauties that so desperately want a man to love and nurture. A new existence blooms!

From the fresh vantage point of their lovely partner’s living room, they now survey a kingdom where they are the alpha-male BUT NOT the bread winner and definitely not a bring-home-the-bacon guy. It’s the young lady who comes home in the evening from her job that supports them. She does the grocery shopping. She does the cooking. She does the cleaning. And when the Man-Boy’s personal joystick helps to produce some new progeny, she also becomes the child-minder.

This is the romance I dreamed about? …

What about Man-Boy Boredom? Well…good news here because there are always new iterations and versions of computer games so the Man-Boys never grow bored of sitting and playing their video games, and they never feel the need or desire to contribute to a home and family in a meaningful way.

And perhaps most sadly, the girls who want love and stability in their lives aren’t strong enough to make a change to this situation. Responsibility and fairness between the genders is an illusion in the households of our nation. Women, wake up and stop enabling your MAN-BOYS!  And MAN-BOYS …grow a pair and man up!