Mommy, my turtle is dead,” little Brandon sorrowfully told his mother, holding out the turtle that Santa had brought him.

His Mom kissed him on the head, then said, “That’s all right.”

We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. 

After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream sundae, and then go and get you a new pet.  I don’t want you….”

Brandon began to perk up. Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.

“Brandon, look, your turtle is not dead after all.”

“Oh,” the disappointed boy said.

“Can I kill it?”

……………………….

Is telling an oral joke a lost art for the average bloke (female “blake”?).

You know, a joke that takes 2 or 5 minutes to tell?

The jokester professionals are out there in force… the Seinfelds, Gaffigans, Rudners, Silvermans, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen… oops, that’s another blog post.

Going back decades, my Dad, a couple of uncles, even a cousin or two were great joke tellers… but… today… no one I encounter verbalizes a joke.

A pun yes, a quick one-liner, sure… but a fully laid out joke with a beginning, middle and end… NEVER!

I know I don’t, although I admit I am guilty of spouting a Dad joke here and there. And I’m a funny guy according to the mirror that I consult regularly. Of course the mirror lies to me all the time about my age, so why would I trust it?

I’m a visual learner (ie. reader) and punster.

So one of the things I enjoy most (this might be an oxymoron) about visiting a doctor or dentist office is the waiting room period and the plethora of magazines… and… Reader’s Digests.

I love those little humour stories inside and it’s the only time I see them. “Can someone else here go into the office first? I haven’t finished this Laughter Is The Best Medicine page yet.

No, these aren’t oral, but today I’ll share a few little Reader’s Digest-style Christmas funnies to try and raise your level of mirth… and best of all, won’t add to your girth!

A man kills a (rein)deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

Daddy says, “Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. It’s an asshole!”

Dianne was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked:

“May I try on that dress in the window, please?”

“Certainly not, madam,” responded the salesgirl,

“You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult. 

All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque.

On each card he wrote: ‘Merry Christmas, Grandpa’

P.S. ‘Buy your own present!’ 

Now, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant.  It preyed on his mind into the New Year. 

Then one day he was sorting out his home office and under a pile of papers, he found a little pile of cheques for his grandchildren.  He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.

A woman goes into a sporting goods shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s Christmas present. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A salesperson is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That ‘ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50.”

……………………….

And finally… may the spirit of this holiday season find you in the way you celebrate it best:

Knowing that the pastor enjoyed his drink, a hotel owner offered him a case of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free ad in the church newsletter.

The pastor agreed and ran this in the next issue:

“The pastor would like to thank Patrick Smith for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given.”