(WARNING: Adult (yet Juvenile) material lies ahead…)

AFTER DARK *cue sexy saxophone music* I woke up wondering…

… wondering WHY?

Why is it, when we have all these specialty “How-To” TV networks today… HGTV (gardening and home), Food Network (recipes), Home Shopping Network (buying stuff), YES TV (be your best Christian), DIY Network (do anything) and so many more…

… television that covers most of the important (and often trivial) things that we humans have a keen interest in learning more about:

EXCEPT (another exception carried over from last week’s post).

Where the hell is the SEXUAL INSTRUCTION NETWORK (SIN)?

Sex education in my early school years – or from my parents, are you kidding me? – never covered any “technical” aspects of carnal activity. Even today, I can’t seem to find any community college courses that delve into sensual systems or coital codes… best practices!

It’s crazy, isn’t it? It’s not enough to merely have the tools of the trade… owning a screwdriver doesn’t mean I automatically know how to drive home a screw.

And just because I read THE HITE REPORT 40 years back and belatedly discovered what a clitoris is, do you think I’ve self-actualized and achieved the nub of perfection here?

I don’t think so.

It’s always been learn on the job. Mistake after mistake after mistake wasn’t necessary if I’d only had a proper education.

So many *he blushed and humbly lied through his teeth* have suffered as a result.

Our TV screens are blanketed with society’s tough and messy subjects: blood-curdling violence, F bombs that could annihilate another Hiroshima, movies to wallpaper over Christmas from here to eternity… but… again…

No SIN network.

Doesn’t make sense… I still want to know where babies come from, or at the very least, how to make my very own (sure, even at this late stage… if I’m gonna live to 100, I should have another half dozen kids, yes?)

Maybe an updated DIY version of the Kama Sutra would come in handy for a lot of us who don’t want to break any body parts. The Joy of Sex in full-colour animated format?

I’ve been patient, but I’ve waited long enough. No one has yet jumped on this idea … so… taking it into my own hand…

Ahem… today is YOUR lucky day… you are in on the ground floor… the first to hear this XXXciting news…

Right here, right now, I’m announcing the programming schedule for MY brand new SIN network (and affordable at only $29.95/month!).

Try slipping into one these sensuous instructional SIN Network shows :

F**&ing FAQ’s with Dr. Ruth

TOY STORY – Woody Helps You Find YOUR Buzz

Dippers, Dive Ins, and Dives

Rachael Ray Flays Bobby

LOL (Lady on Lady)

America’s Test Bedroom

TransJeopardy

Double Pleasure With The Property Brothers

BRIGERTON ABBEY – Daphne and Simon Talk Tools

HOT CondomMints For Your Hot Dog

Barebottom Contessa

Trim Your Bush For Maximum Curb Appeal

and Streaming SoonGOLDEN SHOWERS IN MOSCOW

If you’re feeling tired of cooking and gardening and building closets… now’s the time to work on your Blue Moves…

Yes, we are the PBS… the Sesame Street of sexual instruction DIY!

So send in your cheque in the next 10 minutes and as my thanks to you… you’ll receive a FREE copy of Ken Burns’ newest video… SEX DURING THE CIVIL WAR… (Is That Your Bayonet Johnny, Or Are You Just Happy To Be Home?)

Close your curtains and join us today in SIN City… when you come here, you’ll stay here!